Today was a good day mainly because my best friend LE sent me an awesome care package. She sent me the most awesome sheet set. They are an almost hot pink colored fleece twin sheet set with a pillow case. I'm sitting on my bed now enjoying the feel of their softness and comfort. She also sent me some wonderful smelling duck shaped sponges that have the soap already in them, some chocolate and an eye mask with hot and cold therapy. So thoughtful and it was nice to finally get some mail after a couple weeks. I have been begging though.
My day didn't start off good. I have been missing my daughter more than ever since I left San Diego. I think it's because I hadn't talked to her in a week and she was on a trip with her B'ma to Mexico so I was a little worried too. I set a date to talk to her for this morning and was looking forward to it. I had to get up early and go to PT with my other Navy cohorts and then shower before I could sit down and bring up Skype. I had just under an hour left to be able to talk to her before I had to go to work. I sent B'ma an instant message letting her know I was ready when she was and then I waited.
More than a half-hour went by before she called me and I was already crying. I thought I wasn't going to get to see my little girl and I wanted to so badly. It's really frustrating that I just can't pick up the phone to call her. The time difference and the conflicts between our schedules makes it difficult. Thank god I don't have a boyfriend back home to worry about too. That would be too much for me I think. I fantasize about the day that I get off the plane in San Diego and my lil singing Angel is waiting there for me and she runs into my arms and yells "Mommy, mommy, mommy!!" That will be the best day ever.
Well I got on Skype with her and she sang me Twinkle Little Star and Red Dog, Blue Cat, Yellow Fish. I told her I love her and she said, "I love you too, Mommy," in her cute little toddler voice. Apparently I have a very talented and bright girl to raise and I can't wait to get back to doing just that.
But first I have to make it through this tour. I know the odds are in my favor with regard to surviving without so much as a scratch but the thought of dying over here haunts my thoughts almost daily. I ask myself why should I be so special when so many have died here already. A few soldiers were just sleeping in their huts when a RPG crossed over their perimeter fence and made it their last sleep. Random shit happens just as well as planned attacks by the enemy and any one of us here could be the victim of those attacks and I think about that.
Every time they talk about going somewhere I get nervous. Going out of the FOB (forward operating base) is very dangerous even with the up-armored humvees and MRAPS, I don't exactly feel safe. They tried to assign me a future task to go to a remote base in the mountains via flight by myself to cover a story but I told them, not without a battle buddy. You guys didn't train me well enough to defend myself. You just gave me the basics. I don't mind going and being a part of a team but I refuse to go by myself to a base in a known dangerous area, with no one else on the team, in the middle of an Afghan National Army base. Since when did I sign up for special forces and shit.
I know I might be sounding like a wussy but I believe in a balance between supporting the fight and coming home to my family. Now if I've done everything I can to ensure my safety aside from hiding under my desk like a coward and I still die, then that is that and I hope I've taken care of every possible thing so that it lessens the burden on my family dealing with loose ends. I even wrote my daughter a last letter. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it but hopefully years down the road I'll be reading this post and think how silly I was to worry so much about it but then again maybe not.
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